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The Best Travel Tips We’ve Learned From Season 5 of “Archer: Vice”

Archer

The beginning of “Archer: Vice” ripped our heroes away from ISIS and forced them to hole up in a mansion owned by Cheryl, who is now pursuing her dream of becoming an “outlaw country” singer named Cherlene. Luckily, it wasn’t long before the gang finds something to get them back on the road again: a metric tonne of cocaine.

Sterling explained the their new mission by saying, “We are highly trained covert operatives with an extremely dangerous set of skills. Since the government has unjustly accused us of treason, we are now forced to transfer those skills from espionage to criminal activity – kind of like the A-Team, but we sell drugs.”

Sadly, the show might “deboot” next season by going back to spy stuff, but it’s been a fun ride. So far the former secret agents’ new job has taken them to Miami, Texas, Colombia, and Central America. They’ve traveled by bus, muscle car, plane, and raft; and we’ve learned some exciting travel tips from the gang along way.

Here’s a look at a few rules of the road from season 5 of “Archer.”

Traveling in a cocaine cast is a terrible idea.

If you’re ever forced to fly wearing a full body cast made from cocaine, Sterling’s advice for the situation isn’t much help: “Just think cool thoughts like eating mint chocolate ice cream. In your refrigerated drawer. At the morgue.”

As cocaine can be absorbed through the skin, you might become a “cocaine enthusiast” who gorges yourself on cocaine cupcakes, cocaine yogurt, and cocaine whipped cream. No matter how much weight you lose, people won’t like the new you. Your body odor will also decrease the value of your cocaine cast by $50,000.

Mind control chip implantation side effects might include a fear of flying.

Getting a mind control chip implanted in your brain might turn you into a decent country singer, but it could also make you suddenly develop a fear of flying. It doesn’t even matter if you’ve been “choked banged” on a blimp.

Avoid traveling to Texas.

“Archer” makes the Lonestar State seem like a terrible place full of ironic gun shops, biker gangs, crooked cops, and “people who need a roll of quarters” to take showers. Sterling also said this about why it’s the perfect place to sell cocaine: “We’re talking about Texas. Somebody somewhere wants enough cocaine to forget they live there.”

A road trip to Texas is the perfect time to live out your “Smokey and the Bandit” trucker fantasy.

You might have to trade the big rig for a cushy tour bus, but you can still live out your dream of being Burt Reynolds by sporting a ‘stache and a cowboy hat while you cruise through hill country in a Firebird blocker car. You just have to hope that your companion who sharts in her trucker hat blabs about the coke you’re traveling with to a biker gang called the Tex’tacles – this is how you’ll get your car chase/music montage. You also shouldn’t let your driving buddy pick your CB handle unless you want to end up being “Lickbag.”

A road trip to Texas isn’t the perfect time to live out your biker gang kidnapping fantasy.

While it would be very “outlaw country” to get kidnapped by a biker gang, they probably don’t want you – they just want the 100 pounds of cocaine stashed on your tour bus.

Take plenty of Snacklesnaps while traveling.

Yes, everyone hates Snacklesnaps. However, you’ll definitely want to snap a photo of the meal you’re enjoying in that quaint Colombian dive bar – that shot of tequila might be the last thing that you ever get to swallow.

Make sure you know what a distributor cap is.

If you ever have to flee from a paramilitary group, you can disable their truck by removing the distributor cap. So before you travel to Colombia in search of a drug lord, make sure that you know what it looks like. Here’s a hint: it doesn’t say “Washer fluid only.”

Practice your raft-building skills.

You never know when you’ll need to raft down a crocodile-infested river in the Amazon. Just remember this about crocodiles: Fear is their bacon bits. They also enjoy slices of raft topped with the bodies of half-dead crooked cops who were tenderized by tumbling down a jungle cliff in a Jeep.

Gasoline is crocodile kryptonite.

You’ll need to know this when you inevitably set your raft on fire and have to swim to shore.

Don’t worry. Everything will work out.

If you screw around and have “contempt for your own mortality” like Archer, you will find a plane in the middle of the Amazon.

Don’t dump the coke.

After you steal said plane and it’s too heavy to make it to your destination, don’t dump the cocaine it’s loaded with – toss all of your weapons instead. You’ll be thankful when the baddies waiting for you don’t kill you for losing their load of drugs. However, you will have to fly home and ask mommy what to do after said baddies load up the plane with enough weapons to invade Quebec. Chances are that you’ve stumbled into a CIA-backed, anti-communist, drugs-for-arms operation.

Ignore turbulence with rum and “The Breakfast Club.”

A great way to take your mind off of airplane turbulence is by downing rum and deciding which member of “The Breakfast Club” each member of your travel group is. However, you shouldn’t weigh in on the debate about who gets to be Molly Ringwald if you’re a stowaway in a cargo box.

Don’t treat a castle like a hotel.

If you get to stay in the huge palatial home of the president of San Marcos, don’t go looking for an ice machine or housekeeping cart – you’ll feel really stupid when you stumble into a restricted area full of clones of yourself. You also shouldn’t have sex with that woman dressed like a maid – she’s probably El Presidente’s wife.

Archer airs Mondays at 10 on FX. Find the cable provider in your area below and give us a call to make sure your cable package includes FX at the best price.

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Treva Bowdoin is a freelance writer who loves crazy comedies and creepy shows like "The Walking Dead" and "American Horror Story".

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