Forbes recently released its annual Celebrity 100, a list of the top earning and most visible actors, models, athletes, authors, musicians, and TV personalities. Pishaw. I can tell you all about “personality.” Every report card I ever got says one thing in the notes section: Katie certainly has a “strong” personality. I was in high school before I realized that wasn’t a compliment. But I digress. I have to because I don’t know what to say about the list-makers; I don’t even know who many of them are, let alone why they’re so famous. I tried asking my colleagues for the scoop, but after suffering the unique embarrassment associated with having the pop culture awareness of, say, Nell, I resorted to Googling the unknown names. Honestly? I still couldn’t figure out what the big deal was. I mean, Bethenny Frankel? Really? Of the names I knew, many seemed over-exposed, over-hyped, just… over. Who knew Rush Limbaugh was still relevant? How long has that guy been preaching to the choir? Other celebs are so mortifying that including them on a list of famous people should be cause for national shame (I’m looking at you, Larry the Cable Guy). I decided to help others who, like me, are culturally impaired. I divided the names into categories based on how I feel about them. This will help you understand how you should feel about them. You’re welcome. So, without further ado, the Celebrity 100 according to me: 1. The Timeless Treasures: Getting Better with Age Sarah Jessica Parker, Robert Downey, Jr., U2, Johnny Depp, Leonardo Dicaprio, Sandra Bullock, Ben Stiller, Adam Sandler, Natalie Portman, Mark Wahlberg, Hugh Laurie, Reese Witherspoon, Tom Hanks, Tina Fey. 2. The Guilty Pleasures. Who Among Us Hasn’t Indulged? Elton John, Bon Jovi, Ellen DeGeneres, Danielle Steel, Beyonce, Jay-Z, Eminem. 3. Thank You for Everything, but You’ve Had Your Moment. Oprah, Steven Spielberg, Tom Brady, Diddy, Brad Pitt, Gisele, Courtney Cox, Seinfeld, Peyton Manning. 4. Meh. No Opinion. (I know, shocking.) Brad Paisley, Toby Keith, Tim McGraw, Heidi Klum, Stephen King, Julia Roberts, Maria Sharapova. 5. Oh My God, Enough Already! Dr. Phil what’s-his-name, Black Eyed Peas, Lady Gaga, LeBron, Paul McCartney, Angelia Jolie, Derek Jeeter, A-Rod, The Donald, Rush Limbaugh, James Cameron, Usher, David Beckham, The Sisters Williams, Howard Stern, Katherine Heigl, Will Smith, Jerry Bruckheimer, Steve Carell, Kanye West, Jay Leno, Jennifer Lopez, Kobe, Tiger, Letterman. 6. There’s Just No Excuse, America. Anyone with anything to do with the Twilight Series, Charlie Sheen, Kate Moss, Justin Bieber, Taylor Swift, Cameron Diaz, Glenn Beck, Larry the Cable Guy. 7. Why? Tyler Perry, Muse, Bethenny Frankel, Cristiano Ronaldo, Christopher Nolan, Ray Romano, Rafael Nadal, Phil Mickelson, Dick Wolf, Mariska Hargitay, Teri Hatcher, Mark Harmon, Jeff Dunham, Ryan Seacrest, Chuck Lorre, Mark Burnett, Lionel Messi, Dwight Howard, Lil Wayne, Katy Perry, Eva Longoria, Simon Cowell, James Patterson, Roger Federer, Dwyane Wade, and lastly: Danica Patrick.
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