Ray Donovan is only midway through a fantastic first season (Sundays on Showtime, 10 p.m. ET/PT), but we’ve already been treated to a ton of Jon Voight getting down with his bad self. Ray (Liev Schreiber) is a Hollywood “fixer” who takes celebrity screw-ups (sex scandals, hooker overdoses, and the like) and makes them disappear. But when his mobster father Mickey (Jon Voight) is unexpectedly released from prison, Ray must shift damage control to the lives of his own family.
The show is both dark and salacious, with details of Ray’s evil past trickling in slowly but surely. When it comes to celebrity scandal, our strong and silent type saves the day by any means necessary: blackmail, baseball bats, and TMZ on speed dial. How would he fare with today’s gossip headlines? Find out below!
1. Amanda Bynes
Ray plants Drake Bell’s hair on the bong that started it all and leaks it to TMZ. He rides the PR storm towards announcing an Amanda Show reunion! He bugs Amanda’s apartment in the dead of night to ensure no more funny games—and uses those tapes as show material for said Nickelodeon reunion.
2. Lauren Green’s Botched Fox News Interview
Ray forces Lauren Green—the reporter behind the controversial interview with Reza Aslan—to walk out of a Pizza Hut with Justin Beiber. The bad press for Fox is overshadowed by the romance rumors, which are again overshadowed by the shock that anyone would eat at Pizza Hut. Crisis averted.
3. Paula Deen
Ray dips the former Food Network star in a giant bathtub of green dye (keep an eye out for this in the series premiere) as punishment for her racist foibles. Oh, and he leaks the whole thing to TMZ.
4. Lindsay Lohan
Lindsay announces—shockingly—that she is in such good health that she’s opening her own rehab facility. One of Ray’s cronies wires her for the actual business deal, and leaks the tapes to prove it’s all legit. Then Ray wires the guy who wired her and leaks those tapes to prove it’s SUPER legit.
5. Anthony Weiner’s (New and Improved) Sexting Scandal
Ray has Huma Abedin, Anthony Weiner’s wife and Hillary Clinton staffer, tell the press that the alleged wiener pics were sent from Bill Clinton as an elaborate sexting joke. Clinton gets a slap on the wrist and a hilarious round on the late-night talk shows, and Ray throws Weiner’s iPhone into a conveniently placed pitcher of water in his hotel room.
6. Bank Fraud by Real Housewives of New Jersey Star Teresa Giudice
Ray pays off dozens of New Jersey bank tellers to testify that they never saw Giudice on the premises. Giudice testifies she has no idea what a bank is, and the court doesn’t doubt her. Ray celebrates by getting drunk in his apartment while his Marilyn Monroe picture sings, “Happy Birthday, Mr. President.”
7. Jennifer Aniston’s Canceled Wedding
Ending the rumors once and for all, Ray breaks fiancé Justin Theroux’s hand with a baseball bat and makes him explain to the press that Aniston did it. Theroux says, “She wants things to hurry up! We’re in the solution now.” Ray gets pissed that Theroux stole his line, so he meets him in an alley that night and staples a Friends DVD to the actor’s chest.
8. Kiefer Sutherland’s Drunk Striptease
Ray saves the press junket for the final season of 24 by rushing the star from the bar to a local burning building where he saves a cat—proving the actor’s partial sobriety. On the scene, a reporter fumbles a question to which Sutherland responds, “What, cat got your tongue?” Everyone laughs. Ray slowly smiles.
9. One Direction’s Harry Styles and His Bisexuality Rumors
Harry embarks on a “Straight As Can Be” world tour, where he is caught canoodling in public with females around the globe—first with former sweetie Taylor Swift in the States, then Rihanna in Britain. Ray blackmails all the women by planting One Direction CDs in their homes. They tearfully comply.
10. Miley Cyrus
Ray realizes the only way to save the pop star’s career is to completely remake her. He rips through her home and destroys all her hard drives, stages her death as a “bizarre twerking accident,” and shaves her head before TMZ reveals her as Sinead O’Connor’s estranged sister. The two record an album together, “Bald Eaglez,” and it goes platinum.
11. Justin Bieber Spitting on His Fans
Never missing an opportunity for moola, Ray has Justin’s PR team admit Justin did spit on his fans, all in preparation for the launch of his new scent, Belieber Spittle. Online pre-orders for the perfume sell out immediately, and Ray makes a hefty sum stalking the Biebster for the rest of his days. Ray Donovan’s children become successful backup dancers.
Is there another celeb in desperate need of Ray’s services? Let us know in the comments!
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