“Broad City” Teaches Us What Not to Do in the Dating World

Walter Thompson Broad City

“Broad City” is a daring comedy that isn’t afraid to tackle the dirty side of the dating world.

The first season of the Comedy Central series is over, but fans of the show will be happy to know that it’s already been renewed for a second season. If you haven’t checked it out, I highly recommend giving it a binge-watch.

Our heroines, Abbi (Abbi Jacobson) and Ilana (Ilana Glazer), are NYC BFFs enjoying sex and the big city. Their love lives are a bit of a mess, but it’s fun to watch them get into absurd situations that would make Carrie Bradshaw’s jaw drop to her Jimmy Choos. Abbi and Ilana have just as much to teach us about dating as Carrie, so let’s take a look back at the dating don’ts that we learned during the first season of “Broad City”:

Don’t go to great lengths for a guy’s package.

Just do yourself a favor and don’t agree to accept a package for your hot neighbor, even if he cooks with peppercorns and salvages beams from abandoned barns. You could end up in an empty warehouse on a creepy island where you’ll desperately lie about your identity to a yogurt-slurping crone named Garol (spoiler alert: she’s not going to give you that package).

Don’t try to be “feminist heroes” by going on an online dating binge.

Here’s some dating wisdom from Ilana: “People on Facebook only friend you after business hours if they want to hook up.” However, don’t get too excited when that hot guy from high school friends you. You might start treating your friends list like a dating website after the confidence boost, but you’ll regret asking out the guy you used to babysit (it’s cool because he’s 20 now) and the nude drawing class model who angled himself toward you. You’ll just end up deciding dating IRL is the way to go after getting rejected by 36 guys and one lady.

Don’t let a lusty locksmith into your apartment.

An important part of dating in the city is identifying creepers and getting away from them. If a guy gives off a creepy vibe, don’t let him into your apartment, even if he’s the locksmith you hired to open your apartment door. Just say your name is Yolanda and lie about which door is yours so that he’ll break into the wrong apartment when he inevitably returns in the middle of the night. You’ll be glad you lied after said locksmith humps the door and calls it a whore “because it’s so easy.”

Don’t talk to your crush when your apartment building is being bug-bombed.

You might make an inappropriate joke about an “insect holocaust” and refer to you and your crush as “Mr. and Mrs. Hitler.”

Don’t go home with “douche-y but cute” DJs who play 27-minute long church bell techno songs.

They probably just want to have a freaky four-way, and they’ll probably make you climb eight flights of stairs when there’s a working elevator.

Don’t spite-eat a pan of potato salad from a bodega during a hurricane.

You’ll end up abusing the bathroom, and of course the toilet won’t flush. While you’re locked in the bathroom, your crush will show up and join your “blackout party,” and you’ll have to rely on your “doo doo ninja” friend to dispose of the evidence of your p-salad binge. Long story short, your crush will be disgusted after a major misunderstanding makes him think you pooped in another woman’s shoe.

Don’t go to wedding for your second date.

You and your latest guy might be talking about getting a dog together after just one date, but you shouldn’t try to drag him to a wedding – he’ll dump you on the spot when he finds out you’re taking a train from Penn Station. Penn Station is just a dealbreaker for some guys.

Don’t ever go to a hot guy’s improv show.

Sure he might be bisexual and he might like girls who don’t shave down there, but he could be a member of a improv group called “Statutory Crepe.” After going to his show, all you’ll be able to think about during sex is his terrible Dr. Evil impression.

Don’t hook up with your crazy roommate because the train isn’t running to Manhattan on the weekend.

You could end up dealing with a herpes scare and a drained bank account, and your missing cable remote is probably the angel topper on a creepy Christmas tree decorated with your underwear.

Don’t let your BFF find out about that time you made out with another girl.

Ilana seems to think of Abbi as her girlfriend – she even has sexual fantasies about Abbi involving “Oprah hands” and “parallel play.” Because she’s so into her BFF, it shouldn’t be shocking that she got extremely jealous when she learned that Abbi kissed another female friend. Because of this betrayal, Abbi had to let Ilana peek while she changed clothes.

Don’t take your friend with benefits dentist for granted.

Ilana is in a “purely physical” relationship with her friend Lincoln (Hannibal Buress), but maybe she should be looking for something more with the dentist who is sweet on her. He gave her free dental work after she broke her tooth on a jawbreaker; comforted her while she was eating garbage bagels; and cheered her up after a bad hookup by smashing his face into a cake. He also offers great advice, like telling Ilana to make sure that she does her “brain Kegels.”

Don’t waste all your time trying to land a guy.

You don’t need a man to make you feel good about yourself when you have a friend like Ilana. She shares her pot with Abbi; buys Abbi’s bad vegan sandwich shop hamburger art; and describes her pal as having the “ass of angel.” This sweet and silly (and stoned) super-friendship is what makes “Broad City” so much fun to watch.

Photo: Walter Thompson

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Treva Bowdoin is a freelance writer who loves crazy comedies and creepy shows like "The Walking Dead" and "American Horror Story".

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