12 One-liners from Season one of “OITNB” That Make Prison Seem Kinda Fun

Ben Mueller | Aug 2, 2013

Orange is The New Black

Debuting online two weeks ago, Netflix’s fifth original series Orange is the New Black had amazing first week ratings, besting the site’s previous originals House of Cards and Arrested Development. In short, now way more people know what Laura Prepon’s boobs look like. If it weren’t for palate-cleansing flashbacks to break up the show’s fast-paced, rude humor, the bleak environment of women’s prison would be too much to bear along with uppity 30-something Piper Chapman (Taylor Schilling). Of course, series creator (and mind behind Weeds) Jenji Kohan delivers sass that never lets up: Read on for the show’s 13 best one-liners in our little binging-companion guide.

Episode One

Larry: “Are you okay?”

Piper: “I’m wearing granny panties and I’ve only spoken to white people.”

Orange is The New Black

Piper manages to spill nearly every detail about her first day at prison during a two-minute phone call with her fiancé Larry (Jason Biggs). Orange is the New Black‘s brilliant (and probably accurate) prison political incorrectness shines most on this first day, directly calling out its racist game and continuing to get away with it all season.

Episode Two

Piper: “Promise me you’re not watching Mad Men without me.”

Orange specializes in hyper-relevant references: Piper and Larry’s Mad Men addiction highlights their upper class yuppiness along with the real strain on their relationship in one hilarious stroke.

Episode Three

Crazy Eyes: “I threw my pie for you.”

Crazy Eyes Orange is The New Black

Orange blows gender roles to smithereens, especially in episode three. Underscoring inmate Burset’s sex change story—played wonderfully by Laverne Cox—there is Uzo Aduba’s flawlessly cringe worthy performance as Crazy Eyes, Piper’s new prison suitor.

Honorable mention: Piper’s brother Cal (Michael Chernus) and his tasteless anecdote about John Lennon writing “Imagine” while masturbating. Shameless. Terribly and wonderfully shameless.

Episode Four

Alex: “A f***load of s***ty time with s***ty, smelly, farting, crazy, stupid f***ing b****es… most of whom f***ing hate me.”

There isn’t man, woman or child alive who looks on Laura Prepon without seeing Donna from That ’70s Show. But as Alex, Piper’s old (and soon renewed) lesbian lover, this line hints at the actress’s lackadaisical, casual delivery in the best way.

Episode Five

Taystee: “So there I am, topless, sitting on this bulldozer, like in a construction site. So I’m sitting there, barbecue sauce on my t*****, and I’m like, ‘What the f***? Again?’”

Oragne is The New Black Gif

When an inmate’s back story doesn’t come in flashbacks, we’re treated to comically brief snapshots of dialogue like this delightful tale from Taystee (Danielle Brooks).

Episode 7

Black Cindy: “Eat Pray Love mothaf***as!”

When several black inmates start naming the famous “black best friends in white girl movies,” we get a line I’m sure Viola Davis would be proud of.

Episode 8

Larry: “One Sentence, Two Prisoners.”

Piper: “That sounds like Two Girls, One Cup.”

Larry: “No it doesn’t. This is one, two, not two, one. And no one is s***ting in any cup, okay?”
 Animated Gif on Giphy

In an episode punctuated with so much drama—births left and right and Piper failing all those closest to her—this comic play off of Larry’s article generously eases tension.

Episode 9

Pornstache: “We’re going to let you have your little going-away party, but do not make our lives more difficult afterwards by hanging yourself. With a sheet, or a tampon string, or whatever the f*** you like to get all arts and crafts with. No Thanksgiving suicides.”

OITNB one liners

No one should hate cranberry sauce that much.

Episode 10

Polly: “Eventually, you want someone you can curl up with… Plus, he’s never shown any interest in f***ing me in the a** for which I am grateful.”

Piper’s best friend Polly (Maria Dizzia) says this line moments before marrying her fiancé Pete (Nick Stevenson). If Piper’s chickiness is a wine spritzer, Polly is a fine prison hooch.
Episode 11

Piper: “Maybe he’s cheating on me with Maury Kind.”

Nicky: “Then you’d both be gay. So post-modern.”

Nearly everyone seems a teeny bit gay when cooped up in Litchfield. This quip comes from openly lesbian Nicky (Natasha Lyonne) whose candid, cutting sass keeps her one of the most grounded inmates.

Episode 12

Piper: “I cannot get behind some supreme being who weighs in on the Tony Awards while a million people get whacked with machetes.”

Orange is The New Black

Go ahead, Jenji Kohan: throw religion into your hotbed of racism, violence and sexual identity! Piper explains here to Pennsatucky (Taryn Manning) that she would rather worship at the altar of Neil deGrasse Tyson.

Episode 13

Larry: “You f***ed in a chapel?”

Alex: “It’s prison. There aren’t a whole lot of options.”

OITNB

Making “Like A Prayer” look gosh darn tasteful.

Did we miss your personal fave? Leave it in the comments below!

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